Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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