So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
