Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
