Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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