I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
