I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
