I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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