Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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