hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
