I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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