24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
