I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
