No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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