i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
