I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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