Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
