peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
