I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
