moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
