get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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