And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
