My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
