dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
