Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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