never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
