I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
