she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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