Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
