You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
