I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
