Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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