Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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