I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
