He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The beer is more important than you right now.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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