Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
