T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
