Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
