Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Randomize
