do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
