I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
MIDGETS
????
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
