Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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