Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
