Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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