Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
