You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Is this like a preordered booty call?
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He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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