My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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