dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You're like the curious george of whores
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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