I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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