we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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