I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
