I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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