I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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