The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
