That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
