dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
