just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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