I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
