What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
