i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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